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  • Writer's picturegerpictus

One day

This didn’t happen today, of course, but I’ve taken the liberty of writing it as though it did …

Two days ago I was very low and had to stay in bed most of the day. Today I wake up feeling very aware of everything – a bit Zen? Feeling anything can be good, feeling aware can be good or bad for me, but today it seems good and I think I’ll go out for a little. I’ll try and keep the good beginning I’ve had to the day. I kick-start the system with coffee, medication and the necessary painkillers, get ready and leave the house. The fine weather with a breeze join in to add to the feel-good effect.

Following a couple of errands I discover a new café with cheap coffee (until lunchtime) and go in and order my favourite. The breeze follows me in and the place is quiet. My coffee arrives and, prompted by the recent blog piece, I engage in a bit of mindfulness with it and the breeze. This is to dispel the gloom that has arisen from one of the errands – picking up my monthly bagful of medication, which sits sulking beside me. My coffee finished, I let my mind slip into neutral and do some people-watching. The café has lots of corners in it and in one I spot a man reading a Harry Potter. Reading some of these was a pleasant time for me and I enjoy the memory. In another corner a lady is wrestling with a novel that is far too big for her to hold and drink her cappuccino at the same time. Remembering the size of the later Harry Potters, I sympathize. Then have some more coffee.

More people come in to the café, and while happy for the extra business this provides the owners, I feel a little threatened that the good time I have had so far could stop quickly, so I head off home. It’s almost lunchtime, anyway.

A lettuce and tomato sandwich makes me feel pure and healthy. My body is a temple and all that, but I know that I’m only kidding myself after so much coffee. I dip into the lunchtime news to inform myself but not dissolve the good I’ve done myself so far, but then the length of the afternoon stretches in front of me and I panic a little at how to fill it on my own. I know that I want to keep the feel-good impetus going.

I decide to listen to some music and afterwards try a little reading. Something upbeat seems apt and so soon my latest Brazilian favourite is playing too loud in my earphones. A few more of the same ensue and then it seems time for a quieter piece and so I put some meditation music on (shift of mood?) and sit down with a book. More Zen.

Reading suddenly becomes too much and I sense the good feelings I’ve had so far today evaporating. I don’t know why. Setting the alarm clock for an hour I go and lie on the bed and put myself to sleep (the medication I take makes this easy) to try and stop the downward spin.

On reflection, I’ve probably done too much. Was it the visit to the café? I certainly experienced a lot there. It’s so difficult to find the middle path between doing too much or too little. But the sleep helps and seems to draw a line under the negativity before it, though now I feel deflated and tired. I give in, flop on the sofa and turn the TV on. It’s mindless but harmless.

And there, back from work, my partner finds me. My day of keeping myself on an even keel hasn’t gone too badly. Time to see what tomorrow brings …

I hope all of this hasn’t seemed too self-indulgent, but I wanted to let people know how during one day I can manage to make myself feel better – sometimes! And that this has given you some insights into what I do. A few weeks ago when I was going through a bad patch I wrote a sad piece about going out, Looking back on this, I think ‘how things can change …’

Thanks for reading.


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